Hi. I just finished reading a story on Wattpad entitled, “Life as told by Nerdy” by Shim (highly recommended!!! :-)). As soon as I finished reading it, I immediately got up from my bed—coz I’ve been reading using my iPod Touch—to open this laptop and do this entry.
FREAK TO SELF: OHMYG SHIM’s also a Filipino and she’s so awesomeeeeeee. I wish I can write great stories like hers…. lol
Anyways back to wordpress.
I find myself with Sarah—she’s the protagonist—though I don’t really look like a nerd. It’s just that we have the same personality. Like, awfully super same. That even made me think, “Maybe I really am a nerd!” though unlike her, I love academics, I’m not really miserable back in high school coz I have a lot of friends… what I mean is that we’re the same when we’re in love. Like her, I have this thing that… how do I put this… I battle with myself when I’m in love, because I like to contradict what I believe in and what the real one is. I put a smile on my face for the one I love so that he’ll be happy and will not worry why I feel like shit. Sometimes, I think there’s always someone better for him than me. Sometimes, I’m a martyr… in a way that I do what I think is best, and not what I feel is best. Note that, there’s a big difference with feel and think. Most of the times, my mind controls my heart. Like Sarah, I think too much… I analyse too much… I don’t let control be away from me… that’s why I think it’s hard for people to understand me when I put a barrier between me and others. I can easily build a strong wall to secure myself from the speculative eyes of people because I never liked being on the spotlight. I would be on the spotlight, but I never let myself stay in there for long. I’m not comfortable. Sometimes, I wonder how other girls manage to confess their feelings to the guys they like coz for me, that’s just like a no-no. But then, it makes things easier, who knows maybe the guy you like confesses to you after you confessed to him. You know, instances like that where they thought they don’t like each other…. Whatever. Ugh. Enough of this.
Maybe I’m just afraid to let my heart control me. I’ve done it once, and I kinda got a trauma here. Okay that’s an overstatement, I just got a fear… of assuming… of expecting… of falling flat to the ground where there’s no one to catch… of my heart breaking again because I let it control my mind who sometimes smirks at my heart and says “You’ll just make a fool out of her again”.
I didn’t realize I have this so much bitterness inside me. Do you call this bitterness? Lol. Maybe uncertainty, not knowing what to do at times… coz I don’t like making the wrong decisions though I do accept my mistakes the instant I’m aware of them. *sigh* Maybe I should let myself at loose again sometime, because right now thinking about it brought out a smile inside me.