Smiling on the outside, but a freaking mess inside

I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I became numb to the feeling that I don’t recognize it anymore. Now I’m confused. And stuck, because I don’t want to hurt other people anymore. And I’m tired of making a fool out of myself. It hurts too much now.

Love? This feeling had become foreign in the past year. I didn’t know that it’s possible to feel again until fall 2013 came. And my mistake, was I let it go. I didn’t realize until now how good it could have been. And now, I think I’m feeling… what is this, regret? I’m feeling the what ifs, could haves, would haves, and it stings. So it makes me confused right now, if I still love you, or if I’m just missing you and what we had almost had.

I’ll confess something. Sometimes, I think of what might happen after a year. If you silently held on to your word, that you’ll wait until after graduation, or if you really gave up already and moved on. Sometimes, I’m silently hoping, that you just told me you gave up but you’re still actually waiting. But sometimes, I feel like it’s impossible now because I have hurt you too much. I knew how you felt, sometimes I feel like I still feel the pain in you even today that we’re in speaking terms again. But like I said before, I won’t hold you back because I know that I can’t assure you of anything. Because I don’t want you to get stuck on something unsure like me. A mess like me.

I’ll also confess, that I fell in love. I’m not sure if you know that. But I’ll never forget when you first said “I love you so much”, because that was the time I started to get cold. Because that was the time I felt afraid, really afraid. My first instinct was to not indulge myself further, because it’ll be harder when we get more attached. It’ll be much harder to go away, much harder let go go, much harder to save you from the pain. Or, the truth is, much harder for me to go away, to let you go, and save myself from too much pain that I know I’m going to feel. It was selfish of me, but I was too afraid. You knew my situation, but I was that messed up that no one can fix me.

I’m sorry, so much, because of what happened to us, I made you into a mess I am. Or at least, that’s what I see. I hope you’ll get better. I really do.

But I’m really thankful, I think for the rest of my life, because you made me know that there will still be people who’ll be willing to get hurt just to fix this crazy mess I am. You made me think that it’s possible to be fixed, to feel, and to fall again.

And now, I met someone who’s willing to risk his heart for someone like me. Somehow, he starting to make me feel again. But what confuses me, is if what I feel, is for him, or still for you. Because I admit it, I see you in him. And it made me hope for you more. And I just don’t know what to do anymore, because I feel like he’s becoming a rebound. Because I really don’t know anymore. All I know is I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

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