Fucked up

I’m so confused, messed up, fucked up, right now. I want to explode. I’ve been wanting to cry since last night. But I can’t. I don’t allow myself to. This heavy feeling is hard to bear. I don’t know what to do. I just want to curl up somewhere, far preferably, so they won’t see me anymore. I feel like I’m such a huge disappointment. My mom never fails to make me feel like that whenever she’s mad or furious at me. And she rarely gets mad at me. That’s why it’s fucking serious when it happens.

I don’t fucking know what to do. All I want to do is go far away, alone, find myself, and some solace. All I want to do is say sorry, for everything. I feel like I can bury myself to the ground now. My friends are nowhere to be found, and I don’t think they’ll understand anyway. Because I don’t understand it myself. There’s a chaos in my head right now. I don’t want anyone to be affected. So the pretending begins.

I also don’t understand what all this is. I mean, am I just giving meaning to this, or is this some sign from God that all of this was a mistake and will be a mistake if I continue pursuing it. I just admitted I’m in love and the next thing I know everything’s fucked up. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to cry, scream, or do something extreme. I want to pack my things, leave a note saying “I’m sorry I disappointed you. I know you don’t want to see me. I’ll be out somewhere maybe for a few days. I’m sorry. I love you.” and go somewhere until I find the peace of mind I need.

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