Consistently inconsistent

I wish my feelings for him are not so consistent with inconsistency. He deserves full attention, but I can’t. I don’t know why I don’t feel consistent deep attraction with him. I don’t know if it’s because of the things we’ve been through, or the things I don’t like are more dominant than the things I like, or the trust that was almost lost, or I’m just too busy with other things that I haven’t got the chance to try give him that 100% attention, or there really is just something missing, like some spark that will finally ignite a bigger fire.

This inconsistency always makes me doubt everything he’s ever done for me and his feelings for me. Like, this inconsistency will always be the bomb that will blow everything off in an instant, no matter how much and how big has been built already. Makes me sad, that as I weigh my feelings for him with this ‘inconsistency’, the one that always weighs more is the feeling that I’m only giving him attention because he makes me feel loved, and I like the feeling of being loved, but not the feeling of his love. Like, it would be much better that his love makes my world go crazy, but instead I haven’t felt like that yet. Like, all this time, I just like it that someone’s giving me undivided attention, but it’s also like, if it were someone else giving me that attention, I’m not sure if it would matter. To make this long narrative short, I don’t think I’m feeling something like love for him yet. I think this is only infatuation. And it makes me sad, because if this continues, then I think I’m just fooling myself and him. I hope it doesn’t. I hope everything I’ve risked for will be worth it, because if not, it will be sad for me, but it will be misery for him.

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