Love vs. Labels

I don’t even know how to start.

It’s been more than a year since you and me became something special. I don’t know what’s with me and relationships, but it seems like I’m designed for the no commitment thing, last time intentionally, but this time unintentionally.

I never really got why you’re not ready to court me. You waited for me to give you a chance for almost 4 years and when I was finally gonna give it to you, you’re not ready. I was okay with it though, we’re happy even if we don’t have a label. We had a good foundation of friendship that’s why even though we’re in love with each other, it’s still like college, only with a few add-ons of holding hands, affection, hugging, and etc.

I must say, last time I blogged something so long, it was about The One That Got Away. But I think, he is not The One That Got Away, because I haven’t loved anyone more than I loved you. Well, so far. And well, at least, when we told each other that we want to be each other’s other half, for the first time, I was sure I want you to be the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

You were the most unexpected love. For 4 years, I really thought of you as a really good friend and more like a brother only because you were always there whenever I need somebody. You were also always there, just there, even when I don’t need you. I know you felt friendzoned and I was so sorry for it. I never really gave you a chance those years while I was giving others theirs. And then, suddenly, things changed and feelings changed. I wasn’t ready to fall in love just yet because I was still recovering, but then suddenly, I was ready to take a risk, because with you, I always felt secure. Always. And so we took the plunge.

How am I going to describe what we have?

You tell me I’m precious, and to me you’re just as precious. You, my love, are my match from the similarities to the most differences. I found my match with regards to testing my patience, temper, and understanding, and because of our differences, I’m learning a lot, and thank you so much. I was always independent, but you’re the only person I can be dependent on. Like as much as possible, I will just depend on you, and that’s just how much I trust you, and how much I trust you taking care of me. From the very beginning, you accepted me, and now that you have learned my flaws, you still accepted and understood me. I have more to learn from you more than you from me, because you’re a complicated introvert, and I don’t know why I still love you for it. Maybe it’s because learning more from you makes me love you even more too.

This is scary, loving you this much. I have this feeling that I’m starting to love you more than you love me. I have went so far out of my way to make this work, and it scares me that if we still end up on different roads one day, I’ll be so lost I don’t know where to go after separation. It also scares me that in truth, I don’t really have a concrete hold on you, because in real life, you’re not actually mine and I’m not actually yours. I think that’s the privilege of having a label, something we don’t have.

Trying to pull off this LDR thing is hard. Getting paranoid over no-received-text-all-day, unreplied seen messages, no calls, not being able to see each other, not being able to talk anymore…. How did we drift so far apart? We were okay, and then we were not. I tried reaching out, but I felt ignored. I felt pushed away. And then you said we had other stuff to be busy about unlike before, so I respected that. And then there were lesser texts in a week, usually they don’t even make a good conversation, just texts/chats, and then I felt the need to stop because I felt like I was only bugging you. Bugging someone who obviously don’t want to talk, don’t want to be bothered.

I’ve always been the overthinker, but I can’t help it. I’ve been ignoring the obvious signs, but until when? Until when will I keep on fooling myself? Until when will I make myself believe that we’re okay and this is normally what we’re like?

It sucks, the feeling of all this time I thought I knew you but maybe I really don’t. Or did things just change? All I want are answers, but until when will I wait for them? What happened to us?

I’m still hoping we can solve this. I’m still hoping it’s still you and me at the end of the road. I’m still hoping you finally reach out and tell me stuff. I’m still hoping we don’t have to regret anything. I’m still hoping we fix this before it’s too late.

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