Love vs. Labels

I don’t even know how to start.

It’s been more than a year since you and me became something special. I don’t know what’s with me and relationships, but it seems like I’m designed for the no commitment thing, last time intentionally, but this time unintentionally.

I never really got why you’re not ready to court me. You waited for me to give you a chance for almost 4 years and when I was finally gonna give it to you, you’re not ready. I was okay with it though, we’re happy even if we don’t have a label. We had a good foundation of friendship that’s why even though we’re in love with each other, it’s still like college, only with a few add-ons of holding hands, affection, hugging, and etc.

I must say, last time I blogged something so long, it was about The One That Got Away. But I think, he is not The One That Got Away, because I haven’t loved anyone more than I loved you. Well, so far. And well, at least, when we told each other that we want to be each other’s other half, for the first time, I was sure I want you to be the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

You were the most unexpected love. For 4 years, I really thought of you as a really good friend and more like a brother only because you were always there whenever I need somebody. You were also always there, just there, even when I don’t need you. I know you felt friendzoned and I was so sorry for it. I never really gave you a chance those years while I was giving others theirs. And then, suddenly, things changed and feelings changed. I wasn’t ready to fall in love just yet because I was still recovering, but then suddenly, I was ready to take a risk, because with you, I always felt secure. Always. And so we took the plunge.

How am I going to describe what we have?

You tell me I’m precious, and to me you’re just as precious. You, my love, are my match from the similarities to the most differences. I found my match with regards to testing my patience, temper, and understanding, and because of our differences, I’m learning a lot, and thank you so much. I was always independent, but you’re the only person I can be dependent on. Like as much as possible, I will just depend on you, and that’s just how much I trust you, and how much I trust you taking care of me. From the very beginning, you accepted me, and now that you have learned my flaws, you still accepted and understood me. I have more to learn from you more than you from me, because you’re a complicated introvert, and I don’t know why I still love you for it. Maybe it’s because learning more from you makes me love you even more too.

This is scary, loving you this much. I have this feeling that I’m starting to love you more than you love me. I have went so far out of my way to make this work, and it scares me that if we still end up on different roads one day, I’ll be so lost I don’t know where to go after separation. It also scares me that in truth, I don’t really have a concrete hold on you, because in real life, you’re not actually mine and I’m not actually yours. I think that’s the privilege of having a label, something we don’t have.

Trying to pull off this LDR thing is hard. Getting paranoid over no-received-text-all-day, unreplied seen messages, no calls, not being able to see each other, not being able to talk anymore…. How did we drift so far apart? We were okay, and then we were not. I tried reaching out, but I felt ignored. I felt pushed away. And then you said we had other stuff to be busy about unlike before, so I respected that. And then there were lesser texts in a week, usually they don’t even make a good conversation, just texts/chats, and then I felt the need to stop because I felt like I was only bugging you. Bugging someone who obviously don’t want to talk, don’t want to be bothered.

I’ve always been the overthinker, but I can’t help it. I’ve been ignoring the obvious signs, but until when? Until when will I keep on fooling myself? Until when will I make myself believe that we’re okay and this is normally what we’re like?

It sucks, the feeling of all this time I thought I knew you but maybe I really don’t. Or did things just change? All I want are answers, but until when will I wait for them? What happened to us?

I’m still hoping we can solve this. I’m still hoping it’s still you and me at the end of the road. I’m still hoping you finally reach out and tell me stuff. I’m still hoping we don’t have to regret anything. I’m still hoping we fix this before it’s too late.

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An update

It’s been what, 8 months since we first met. And you’re still waiting. I still can’t help but wonder until when you’ll wait and until when this is gonna last. We’ve already had our resets for like 3, or maybe 4 times, I think. Those times I almost gave up, but you held on and told me to keep trying. And I did. And we got better, one time we got worse, but the ‘better’ part was still dominant.

Sometimes, you wonder about my thoughts. I don’t tell you everything, and you know that. But now, I’m sharing to you a glimpse of some I often think about.

What is the silver lining here? Will everything be worth it in the end? Are you really different from others, or are there others better than you? Are you really deserving? What awaits us in the end? What if all this is just something we imagined, and stayed better being imaginary? What if we don’t have something lasting? What if in the end, we realize that all we had was just some attraction or infatuation of some kind, and not some love that we thought we built and had?

I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll feel too much I won’t be able to handle it, because if I won’t be able to I’m sure I’ll push you away. I’m scared that when I start to feel too much that’s the time you’ll leave me too.

All in all, I just want you to know that I will always respect whatever your decision may be.

How sure and not sure about doubts

Sometimes, I wonder when I’ll meet the guy whom I’ll take a risk for. The guy who’ll make me ready to not hold back. The guy worth fighting for. Sometimes, I think my kind of guy doesn’t exist, then I’ll tell myself ‘maybe I won’t meet him ’til I’m 25 or so.’ When will I meet the guy that I’ll be so sure of?

There’s this guy right now that I’m hot n cold with. Sometimes, I like him. Sometimes, I don’t. But his feelings don’t waver  though. My bestfriend doesn’t like him, always tells me why not stop the nonsense and leave him be (whenever I whine to him about the guy), constantly asks me what I saw in that guy.

Then we were talking about HIMYM earlier. And he said I’m like Robin, career-driven afraid of commitments. And it just occurred to me, a reason why I’m still keeping that guy at bay, why I can’t let him go while it’s still early for further heartbreaks and so.

Because maybe, it’s this thing with him, that he made me take a risk. Even though there are a lot more gentlemanly, swoon worth, romantic guys out there, I’m still here not-so-stuck with him. He makes me believe in the idea of happily-ever-afters and laugh in the cheesiest of gestures. He changed for me when I almost left him. Even though I know he doesn’t understand how important some things are for me, like concerts, bands, thesis, and my perceptions and opinions about the smallest to the biggest things in the world, he just goes with it. EVEN THOUGH I WOULD SO MUCH LOVE TO HAVE A DEEP CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT THESE THINGS. But he changed. Sometimes I still don’t believe he did, like I’m always looking for a hole in the whole ‘change’ facade, there’s none but improvement.

I know how much he loves me. But sometimes, I wonder until when. Because this feeling, that someone loves you so much even though you don’t give it back, this is too good to be true.

right now, but what about tomorrow?

The last time I felt like this seemed like a long time ago. After all that happened, I thought it would take me a long time to be able to feel again. But right now, I can say that I’m starting to feel again. Like he said, the wall has a hole now. And it keeps getting bigger. But I can’t say that I don’t like it. It’s just that I’m not sure where this will lead to, or end to. I’m afraid of getting hurt again, and left behind. Though he never forgets to tell me that he’ll never leave me, who knows right? Especially when there’s a year to wait and a lot of obstacles to break through. What just got me into the brighter side is that he made me believe that it’s possible to make this work. And I’m actually keeping my fingers crossed. He got under my skin, but as much as possible I’m keeping myself from getting attached which seems impossible and a joke at the moment because when we’re together we’re like glue. And every time after he walks me home I keep wishing that we have more time to spend together. And it makes me wonder what we would be like after a year, and if we could survive this uncertainty we’re in right now. All we know is the feeling, and that if this fails we’re both gonna get hurt. And I’m fucking starting to fall in love. And this is gonna suck.

Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if the other guys are seriously still waiting for me, and start showing up after a year.

questions that can’t accurately be answered

How do you stop a feeling? Why is it that we like doing things that we’re not allowed to do? Why do we always make ourselves believe that we feel the opposite of what we’re actually feeling? Why do we fall in love with the right person at the wrong time? Why do we have to get hurt when we fall in love? Why do we meet people that makes us think that they’re “the one” yet doesn’t work out with them in the end? Are the concepts of soulmates and destiny true? When do we know that it’s time to let go? When is the time to keep holding on? When do we allow others to destroy the walls? When does a relationship start to change? How much can we do for the person we love? Do we stop loving? Are we ever enough?

Smiling on the outside, but a freaking mess inside

I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I became numb to the feeling that I don’t recognize it anymore. Now I’m confused. And stuck, because I don’t want to hurt other people anymore. And I’m tired of making a fool out of myself. It hurts too much now.

Love? This feeling had become foreign in the past year. I didn’t know that it’s possible to feel again until fall 2013 came. And my mistake, was I let it go. I didn’t realize until now how good it could have been. And now, I think I’m feeling… what is this, regret? I’m feeling the what ifs, could haves, would haves, and it stings. So it makes me confused right now, if I still love you, or if I’m just missing you and what we had almost had.

I’ll confess something. Sometimes, I think of what might happen after a year. If you silently held on to your word, that you’ll wait until after graduation, or if you really gave up already and moved on. Sometimes, I’m silently hoping, that you just told me you gave up but you’re still actually waiting. But sometimes, I feel like it’s impossible now because I have hurt you too much. I knew how you felt, sometimes I feel like I still feel the pain in you even today that we’re in speaking terms again. But like I said before, I won’t hold you back because I know that I can’t assure you of anything. Because I don’t want you to get stuck on something unsure like me. A mess like me.

I’ll also confess, that I fell in love. I’m not sure if you know that. But I’ll never forget when you first said “I love you so much”, because that was the time I started to get cold. Because that was the time I felt afraid, really afraid. My first instinct was to not indulge myself further, because it’ll be harder when we get more attached. It’ll be much harder to go away, much harder let go go, much harder to save you from the pain. Or, the truth is, much harder for me to go away, to let you go, and save myself from too much pain that I know I’m going to feel. It was selfish of me, but I was too afraid. You knew my situation, but I was that messed up that no one can fix me.

I’m sorry, so much, because of what happened to us, I made you into a mess I am. Or at least, that’s what I see. I hope you’ll get better. I really do.

But I’m really thankful, I think for the rest of my life, because you made me know that there will still be people who’ll be willing to get hurt just to fix this crazy mess I am. You made me think that it’s possible to be fixed, to feel, and to fall again.

And now, I met someone who’s willing to risk his heart for someone like me. Somehow, he starting to make me feel again. But what confuses me, is if what I feel, is for him, or still for you. Because I admit it, I see you in him. And it made me hope for you more. And I just don’t know what to do anymore, because I feel like he’s becoming a rebound. Because I really don’t know anymore. All I know is I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.

Game of love

page what of 365. All i know is this is for april 25. And this is an instant post out of reaction. And i’m lost in the game of love.

Where….

This isn’t a game for the doubtful, hesitant, slow, and foolish people who don’t have the courage to man up and take a risk.

I don’t know if I was just led on. Or I was just giving freaking meanings to all he did. But if you take a look back, I guess I can’t say I’m sure but at least I saw a spark there! I must be super nuts if there wasn’t! Even a single one!

Ugh. I just don’t know. I really need to know all this mindfuckng shit soon. Coz I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the pain if this will continue to go on and I’m still holding on to an invisible rope that’s only visible to me.

I’m thinking that it’s possible that he’s just trying to be the good guy here, knowing that this girl likes him and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so he plays with her in her game, but always played safe. Of course that’s his rule, right? Play along but play safe so no one gets hurt.

After all this time. This is still left to be solved.

And how much I’m wishing right now that I didn’t make yet another mistake. That this is all good reality where I’m right this time. That I chose the right guy again. That I didn’t dig my own shithole by myself again. That I’m falling for the guy who’s ready to catch me. And I’m letting myself fall for the guy who’s willing to catch me.

Now telling about him to mom just got way more distant.