The one that got away

the one that got awayThis is a letter to you who made my 2014 a roller coaster ride. You were never mine as I was never yours, but we always knew our stand even though we always tell others we’re friends, and tell each other that we’re friends, because we’re obviously not. But I think we’ve reached the end of our undefined relationship, and even though we had our ups and downs, I’m grateful for the 10 months I got to spend with you. And if I’m not mistaken, I think we just had our closure earlier. I honestly feel happy and sad about it. Happy, because I think you finally understood what I was trying to say the past week. Sad, because I think you’re going to be “The One That Got Away.”

Let me say my sorry’s first. I’m sorry, because I was too confused all the time. I’m sorry because I was weak. I’m sorry because I didn’t fight, and I didn’t fight beside you. I’m sorry because I always doubted. I’m sorry because I lost trust. I’m sorry I made you watch 500 days of Summer, I didn’t know you’ll get so sad about it. I’m sorry I talk alien sometimes, like when I tell you things you don’t understand because I may be talking dorky. I’m sorry for all the times we didn’t get to hang out and for the times I bailed on you because I’m always busy. I’m sorry because I expected and dreamt of a future with you even though we’re both clearly aware that that kind of future is not gonna happen any sooner which left us wanting and disappointed in the end. I’m sorry because I was always the one who created issues and such.

Thank you, because you made my 2014 different. You gave it something as beautiful as fireworks and dangerous as explosions. You gave me butterflies, teddy bears, and something as terrifying as the feeling of being a cub lost in the wilderness. Most of the time we’re like kids, sometimes we’re ninjas, while others we’re just teens being sweet and cheesy and all. Thank you because until the end you were strong and willing to fight. You didn’t give up. You kept a strong hold even though I was so ready to slip and let go. You were still there even though I was already pushing you away. You didn’t leave me alone with my own darkness when it was consuming me. You still believed we can fix everything even though I had nothing but the tiniest bit of faith left.

But maybe we were the right love at wrong time. Everything about us was about wrong timing. We were the ‘almost’. Almost made it. Almost okay. Almost. Even my sister earlier said, “almost”, when she was asked by my uncle earlier if I had a boyfriend. Maybe we were too young, too raw, too fragile. We were always testing the waters and lost staring in constellations that we got stuck and forgot to grow. We were always running in circles that we never meet, only when someone stops to take a breath and someone catches up, but in the end it was always a loop.

You might be “The One That Got Away”, because you understood me in a way that no one has ever understood me. You know how my complicated twisted mind works. You know me so well that even in texts, you know something’s wrong with me. You listen to my never ending rants and stay with me when I’m grumpy and stressed. You’re patient, sweet, and caring. You made me believe that there’s someone out there who won’t give up on me and won’t leave me even if I’m pushing him away. You made me take a risk.

But I have to let go. Because I’m in a complicated situation, and we’re also in a complicated situation. As we both said, if it’s us in the end, then it’s us. If it’s really us, sometime we’ll meet again when the time is right. And what we had will be a lesson for both of us. For now, we have to grow first, and then maybe in future rebuild what we had in a steady ground.